So lately I've been rediscovering a lot of music from my middle school and high school days. But these songs... they mean so much more to me now. I dunno. It's like I completely forgot they existed and then I remembered one and more and more kept coming back to me. So I downloaded a bunch of them and have been listening to them for a while. But the meanings are REALLY with me now. I want to make another YouTube cover of so many of them because of the way I feel when I'm singing them.

Examples:

JoJo- Disaster

JoJo- Get Out

JoJo- Too Little Too Late

Simple Plan- Untitled

Simple Plan- Perfect

Simple Plan- Addicted

Simple Plan- I'd Do Anything

Lost Prophets- Rooftops

Shinedown- I Dare You

Shinedown- 45

Blue October- Hate Me

Simle Empty Soul- Sihouettes

Smile Empty Soul- Nowhere Kids

Smile Empty Soul- Bottom of a Bottle

Switchfoot- I Dare You To Move

Three Days Grace- Just Like You

Three Days Grace- Never Too Late

Lit- My Own Worst Enemy

Yeah, there are a lot. There are others I feel strongly about that are newer, or that I've just discovered recently.

Gotye- Somebody That I Used To Know

Kelly Clarkson- Low

Train- Drive By

Breath Me- Sia

If I Die Young- The Band Perry

Florence and The Machine- Shake It Out

Lady Antebellum- Just A Kiss

Adele- Someone Like You

Those are just a few. There's a lot more. I've been especially attached to Low by Kelly Clarkson. I think I looped it 20 times while doing work in school yesterday. Lol.

Everybody’s talking
But they don’t say a thing
They look at me with sad eyes
But I don’t want the sympathy
Its cool you didn’t want me
Sometimes you can’t go back
But why’d you have to go and make a mess like that
Well I just have to say
Before I let go

Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold?
What you did was low

No I don’t need your number
There’s nothing left to say
Except I never thought it'd hurt this much to be saved
My friends are outside waiting
I’ve gotta go

Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold?
What you did was low
What you did was low (low)
What you did was low (low)
What you did was low (low)

I walk out of this darkness
With no sense of regret
And I go with a clear conscience
We both know that you can’t say that
Here's to show
For all the time I loved you so…
So...

Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold?
What you did was low
Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold?
What you did was low
Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
Cuz what you did was low

I feel like this song fits me in a bunch of ways, right now. I'm starting to realize I don't surround myself with reliable people anymore. It's not that I don't appreciate everything that everyone's been doing for me, because a lot of people have helped me out a lot this semester and I'm so glad they were able to do that for me. But sometimes... when you really need someone's help, and they don't come through for you, it makes you think a lot about who you associate with, and why. I'm going to be brutally honest here, and I hope no one gets too angry at me for this, but it's been bothering me for so long, and it's just too much to contain.

I don't think any of my "friends" really know me anymore. I don't think they care to. If I just stopped talking to them, it wouldn't be anything to them. Most of the time none of us talk. I mean, I text and call Alana and I don't get answers for days. After multiple attempts. I have parties... or try to.. and no one shows up, or no one shows up on time. I'm on the back burner for everyone I know except Greg. And I love him, and I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with that necessarily, but... it would be nice to have someone else to talk to besides him. But I honestly don't. My friends have no idea what's going on with me, inside me, in school, or anything. Any they don't call. They don't text. At least not frequently. And I need the connections that I used to have. Because everyone's gone. There's nothing left of the old me for them to recognize, and I'm afraid of losing touch with people I used to love. But we are all so different now. And I have a hard time with change. I don't know... I just want to go back in time and tell myself how lucky I was, and how I shouldn't take the people around me for granted. I want to kick my own ass for losing touch with some of the most important people in my life. I would love to feel needed, loved, acknowledged by someone besides Greg. But I'm usually not. And he tries so hard to be everything I need... but it's just not the same as having a friend. A true friend. A friendship that meant more than anything. But I lost that with everyone I used to know. I blame it on Facebook, which is a large part of my problem. But I don't want to give in to such a stupid lazy tactic to keep in touch. I just won't. It's cheating in terms of having human connection. I'm just not okay with that. And if I had one, I would have a ton more friends, would have kept up with more relationships, but... I just will not resort to that.

I need to do a photo project this summer on this lack of human connection. I don't know what it could be, or how it would look, but... I just sparked an idea in my own head. This is something I feel so incredibly strongly about and I think I could come up with something really amazing if I put all this emotion into it. That's where your best work comes from... the heart. Your emotions. Your message.

Heh. I needed this entry. I guess I've got a bunch of shit off my chest now. I can breathe a bit. Today was a rough day of critique, so I'm trying to get it all out and be able to be happy on my birthday. Although... I'm pretty sure I'll be fucking miserable anyway. 21. I don't want to be 21. If I think about it too much I want to die. I need to get in the shower and go to bed... I got 4 hours of sleep last night and took an hour and a half nap earlier to compensate. But I still need to go the fuck to bed.

This entry... is huge.

xX Ame ~*~ Hana Xx

New.

New layout 'cause the old one was too dark and hard to read. It started to really bug the shit out of me.

Anyways. So yeah. Greg's graduation was last night for his math teaching program. I really did not want to be there, but I went just to be there for him. It was important to him. It made me want to kill myself, though. Because I don't have that kind of relationship with anyone. They kept saying that their class was like a family and whatnot, but I'm not really close with anyone at school. They don't know me, and they don't want to. I don't feel especially connected to them, and I know we won't keep in touch after we leave that damned school. I want to feel loved like that. And that's all I could keep thinking while I was sitting there. I came home and seriously debated why I'm even still here. What do I have to look forward to but loneliness? When I fail at the only thing I want to do with my life and have nobody to fall back on, where am I going to be? I need to have friends, but I refuse to make all the effort in keeping in touch with them. And no one else bothers, because it's just easier to keep in touch with the people on their fucking Facebook pages. And I am not a part of that.

Honestly, I'm wearing thin. It's getting so close, I can feel it. I'm so much stronger than this feeling, but I want it to end. I want everything to be over. I want nothing to "matter" anymore, because when things matter, they hurt you. You feel pain when you get attached. I need to be alone in a room for the rest of my life, and just sleep. Sleep until I die of hunger or thirst or go crazy and bash my head into the wall too hard. I can't take anymore. I'm miserable, and no one knows how bad it is. I can't tell them how bad it is, because they think they can help me. They think it's fixable if they just give me a hug and let me cry. And that just makes everything worse. I can't even think about being positive anymore. I want to predictions to come true, now. I always said I would die in my 20's. First I said before I was 20, but that changed when I was 18. My dreams changed. I always had the same dream up until then. After that one I had another one. I still have it sometimes. It always ends the same. And I think I WANT it to be true this time. I want to die, but I don't have the guts to do it myself. I have tried. I have sat down with a knife and held it to my wrist but I just could not do any more than a small incision. I could not bleed myself out. I've taken a bottle of pills and then puked them all up. I'm attempted to drink mouthwash but I spit it out instead of swallowing. I'm a fucking coward no matter what I try to do. I guess that's me inner strength telling me I'm gonna get through all of this. Telling me not to make a permanent decision over a temporary problem. But I don't know if my problem is temporary. I don't know if I'm going to get better or worse. I don't know anything about myself anymore.

I feel so sick right now, I want to puke. Ugh I'm fucking done with this shit. I can't stop crying and Greg is gonna call any second... awesome.

xX Ame ~*~ Hana Xx

What Matters, Anyway?

Things that matter.

You know, the important stuff. Things you feel strongly about.

Why is anythingy important, though? Why are people so different when it comes to what matters to them? I mean, if we're all human, the things that are important to one should be to all the others, right? No. Not at all.

So does anything really matter, then? People say "I could never live without my... [insert object]!" But in reality those things always disappear. They get lost, broken, stolen... or sometimes they lose meaning. Which means they never actually had one. You could go on living if you lost your favorite stuffed animal or your great great grandma's necklace. It wouldn't be that hard. So why does it hold that much value to you if it's actually not vital to your existence? Why do you feel emotionally attached to such an unnecessary object? Why does that sentimental value play a role in things that matter?

I can't figure out why I'm so attached to things that are specific to me. I have no idea WHY they are specific to me, or why I feel an affinity for them. Such as the locket I have that Greg gave me. I wear it every day, and I take it off only to shower. But it really does not "matter". I could live without it. But I don't WANT to live without it, I want to HAVE it. And it just makes no logical sense. My camera is probably my most important worldly posession. But it doesn't "matter" because living is not impossible if I had no camera. Hell, people did it for centuries and centuries. But without it I would feel lost, without purpose. I know first hand, because my camera broke on me last semester, and I felt crippled. Like I had one of my arms hacked off or something. But it didn't actually really "matter".

I guess food and drinks "matter"; but not specific ones. Vanilla Coke does not "matter" particularly, but having some form of liquid does. Vanilla Coke or otherwise.

God, I want a Vanilla Coke now. And I already had one today. Bah.

So in the end, nothing really matters. People, places, objects... none of it matters. This is such a depressing realization. I want to sleep now. This day has been so unproductive and full of self-loating and illness. I just can't. I'm so much stronger than this, but I've hit a wall. And right now I'm working on climbing over it. I know once I get to the top, I'll feel better. My problem is, for every inch I move up, I fall down 2. And I'm getting tired faster and faster. I need to sleep, but there's so much work to be done. Meh. I think too much.

xX Ame ~*~ Hana Xx

I'm Trying SO Fucking Hard.

I want to be okay. I want it so bad. Just to be the way everyone thinks I am. Hopeful, happy, proud... I wanna be the mask I put on every morning. But I'm not sure if I can. I wish people could see through it all. I wish someone would just see my eyes for what they are. Desperate. Lonely. Depressed. I wish I could just be who I am, but it's hard when you haven't opened up to anyone. It's hard to tell people what you're really feeling when you don't want them to get involved. But I wish one of these people I talk to could see the real me, trapped inside.

I dunno how to let it out without sounding like a whiny piece of shit or an over-thinker. I just want someone to understand me. Completely. But so far, I haven't found a person who has felt this way. Who ever could have felt this way. This disconnection is going to fucking kill me. I'm going to committ suicide one of these days, because it'll all just get to be too much. No thought will be stronger than the one of no more pain. No more worrying, hating, failing... being alone. Lonliness... I would rather be in physical pain than this constant state of lonliness, emotionlessness... it's absolutely crippling.

I have no reason to fucking feel this way, which may just be the most frustrating part. I just don't want to be part of the world. I don't think I'm going to make it because I have nothing in me. I have no goals, no path, no dream to follow anymore. I'm just doing what I'm told, what I have to do for the path I'm already on. And I don't even know where it's headed, or where I'm going.

It's weird though, because before this feeling started to take me over, I was so much more talkative about my feelings. I would talk to my professors about feeling like a failure, feeling like I couldn't get myself to try hard enough, I wasn't motivated... now I just kinda ignore it and tell myself it doesn't matter what I talk to them about, it won't make me feel better. Nothing will. I don't even know if I'd be receptive toward a positive outlook at this point. I don't know anything except that I feel like shit, and I want to die. All the time. Some minor bad thing could happen and I would have a breakdown. Like I have the past few months over just about everything. And every time I just want to slit my wrists and let it be over. Take a bottle of pills and wait for the end. Grab a belt and hang from my cieling fan. (Psh, it probably wouldn't even hold me. I'm a fatass.) But the love in my heart stops me. Because I still have compassion for other people, even if they don't really care too much. It would destroy Greg, inside and out. And his happiness is all that keeps me breathing. The day he gets tired of me... that will be the day I die. That will be the day I get lost, and never find my way back. And I can't say I want to continue living, but I do want to stick around to see him reach his goals, to be everything he wants to be, to see him smile, hear his laugh... that's all I ever want. I want to help him, because I know he can do anything, and I believe in him. He forgets how valuable he is sometimes, and I need to be there to remind him of all the good things he does. Of all the ways he wants to change other people's lives. I wish I was a beautiful person like that. I know so many of them, but I will never be one. I'm not cut out to be beautiful, inside or out.

There are so many of them. Beautiful people who don't even know it. Loreal is probably the prime example. Scott, Alana, Erica, Kristina, Hana, Gianna... also good examples. I try so hard to figure out what they have that I don't. Why are they beautiful? And there is no reason. It's inexplicable. It's fleeting, the moments of beauty that I appreciate from these people. It comes and goes too quickly to pinpoint. Is it the words? Actions? Mood? Is it their personality? It could be so many things. I will probably never know. But I will not stop trying to figure it out. Because I want it so bad. SO bad.

Such is life, I suppose. I wonder what death is like?

xX Ame ~*~ Hana Xx

There Is Nothing Left To Lose.

It's been fun, honestly. But I give up, now. I give up because I'm just not okay. And I'm so tired of complaining to everyone and never feeling better. I'm so sick of feeling disconnected, feeling lied to and forgotten. I'm so sick of everyone, and everything. Life does not get better. It just keeps on sucking until there's nothing left of you. And I swear, there's nothing left of me. There's no more drive to succeed, no more passion for life, no more love, and no more hate. I can't feel anything but fucking lonely and needy and this is not me. I'm supposed to not give a flying fuck what happens to people. I'm supposed to shut people out, not welcome them into my life. I want to do that. It's easier to do that. But my brain is being hotwired by a desire to connect to a living, breathing person again. And I can't. I can't even make eye contact anymore. It's so hard to keep my eyes on someone else's. I start at their facial hair, or the wrinkles in their forehead, or a pimple on their nose... anything but the eyes. Because I'm not there. I don't want to be there. I want to be dead. And then it wouldn't matter what the fuck I was staring at because I would never see it.

I hate myself, and I hate that I'm not happy. I have absolutely NO damn reason to fucking feel like a failure. I should not be lonely. But I am. I'm alone in a crowded room and I've just had it. I fucking give up. No more school, no more friends, no more anything. I want to kill myself, but I'm afraid of Greg's reaction. I don't want to hurt him. He is the small glimmer of light I sometimes see and wonder how I could feel so alone, how I could want to erase myself. It's strange to feel glad to be alive while also wishing you were never born. It's completely useless. It means I just can't make up my mind. If I could kill myself, I would. But I'm too afraid to leave Greg here without me. I'm afraid he might do it too. And I want him to be all he can be, and achieve all his goals and dreams... because I never will. I don't HAVE any goals or dreams. I just wish I was never even born.

Lol. I was gonna say "God, help me", but there's no such thing as God, and even if there was... he wouldn't help me. He doesn't help the "believers", let alone the "non-believers". Just watches as the sweetest people get killed by tragic accidents. This "God" has a twisted sense of humor. And yet people still actually believe that crap. I don't understand how the intelligence of the human race has not yet surpassed the fact that we make up characters to make things more fun and easier to bear. But we're too old for that bs now.

Or, I HOPE we are...

So tired. so much to do. Need bed now. Maybe I won't wake up tomorrow.

xX Ame ~*~ Hana Xx